1. What's the last thing you did before you left your house today?
Detached myself from a screeching beastie.

2. How much money did you spend yesterday?
More than I want to admit to. I put an offer on a Christian Dior by Yves Saint Laurent.

3. A million dollars, or true happiness forever?
I think a million dollars is more likely.
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I JUST NEED IT KNOWN I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER READ THE TWILIGHT BOOKS OR SEEN THOSE MOVIES AND I NEVER WILL. I AM AGAINST THEM ON PRINCIPLE. VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE.

I always thought when you have children you’d just instinctively understand them. Because you’re their mother, right? So you’d know the sad cry and the hungry cry and the wet cry and the I-just-want-a-cuddle cry. I remember reading that mothers just KNEW. And I remember people saying they just KNEW. I’m not sure to this day if they were lying or I’m just crap but I don’t have a clue what my kids want half the time. I mean, seriously, it’s just a process of elimination. You feel if the butt is wet, you stick a bottle in the mouth; you jiggle them around and try not to lose your mind while they keep screaming.

Adhra is not as bad anymore. You can mostly understand her now, even though her speech can be a bit funky. Except, of course, when she’s just being hysterical and then there is no hope – when she’s lost her cool I don’t know she makes sense even to herself. When she’s lost her cool I just randomly start offering her things to placate her (here, Adhra, have a cookie!) and sometimes it works and sometimes I end up with cookie hurled at my head and HER head turns red and I can tell she’s just so furious I haven’t understood what she’s on about and there will be about thirty seconds for me to work it out or for her to throw a full scale tantrum.

Cookie is as bad. She cries pretty much every night. Starts around seven and goes to about ten. It’s insane. Nothing you do will make her happy. I have no idea what her problem is and I honestly don’t understand at all. You do everything! She’s not wet, she’s not hungry… it feels like she just wants to have a huge howl.

I guess she’s my kid.

Sometimes if Adhra is still up or not settled yet she’ll come out and start to cry, too! Like she’s competing. Well, I’m not having that. Last time she did that I turned to her and said: “If you know what’s good for you, Adhra, NOT NOW.” And it was the funniest thing ever, she stared at me for a moment, then she stopped crying! I guess she understood ME, right? Too funny. I think she knows a woman on the edge when she sees one – and a good thing, too, coz wow a tantrum was coming her way if she hadn’t shut up. I’d show that child of mine a thing or two.

Evan sometimes asks why the baby is crying. It just drives me crazy because I don’t know! I don’t understand why she’s crying! They say it’s colic but the annoying thing about colic is it seems to be medical speak for: We don’t have a fucking clue what causes this – good luck, chump!

So, I guess my answer to the question what do I do when I can’t understand someone? I just try not to go postal and wait it out. What can you do? Sometimes you won’t understand people. Sometimes they won’t understand you. You can offer them a cookie but that only works about a third of the time. Mostly I think you have to let them scream till they’re exhausted and then you can all sleep. Mostly I think you tell yourself they’ll grow out of it.

Which is probably a lie. I still throw tantrums and I’m twenty. I know plenty of tantrum throwers who are older! But there’s nothing wrong with lying to yourself occasionally if it’s for a good cause.

I think everyone knows the drill. You choose a song from the below (I even kept the Roxette on here - despite the shame of admitting Roxette is on regular rotation on my iPod!) and a character. I'll do BW, KK or (I guess) Adhra. Or Gotham City. Or I'll just write something original/new?

I know I fail at writing meme's usually - so I'm going to give this a damn good go.


Songs:

All along the watchtower – Bob Dylan
World Spins Madly on – The Weepies
Wine Red – The Hush Sound
How Soon Is Now – The Smiths
After the Goldrush – Neil Young
Teenage FBI – Guided by Voices
Gamble Everything for Love – Ben Lee
Spending My Time – Roxette
Hate Me – Blue October
Santa Monica – Everclear
Stand – REM
My Kind of Scene – Powderfinger
Before Too Long – Paul Kelly
The Only Living Boy in New York – Simon and Garfunkel
Painted by Numbers – The Sounds
Synchronised Sinking – The Lucksmiths
Buzzin – Shwayze Ft. Cisco
The Honeymoon is Over – Cruel Sea
You Could Be Mine – GnRs
A Day in the Life – The Beatles
Holy Grail – Hunters and Collectors
The Saddest Song – Until June
Waltz #2 – Elliot Smith
Heart’s a Mess – Gotye
Life is a Song – Patrick Park
Happy Ending - Mika

http://drawapig.desktopcreatures.com/gallery/large.asp?id=2062680&p=0&hof=1&q=personality+test

And my colorgenics:

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My personalDNA Report



I think this is ALL very VERY true of me! <3

Would you date an eighteen year old at the age you are right now?
No. I'm TWENTY and I'm MARRIED. And all my boyfriends were ALWAYS older. ALWAYS.

How often do you listen to music?
Everyday - even if only for 45 mins while I work out. I like live music the best but I don't go that often.

If you could change your eye color, would you?
Nah.

Is there a boy you would do absolutely anything for?
I guess so.

Are you dating the last person you talked to?
We're married. I also screamed at Adhra but that wasn't really talking. It was more... theatrical.

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
You're always SOMETHING like you were.

Do you like to wear dresses?
Sure do!

Will you kiss anyone tomorrow?
If I don't die and they don't die. Yes.

Do you think it's possible to fall in love with someone in just two weeks?
No. I think that's the biggest crap ever. People who fall in love that quick fall out again as quick - and frankly, that's NOT LOVE. That's sexing them up.

Is any part of you sad at all?
Of course.

Why did you last cry?
I don't know. I'm tired, I'm stupid? I have trouble connecting with other people. It's frustrating (for everyone).

Will the last person you kissed be the next person you kiss?
Maybe, maybe not.

Do you hate being home alone?
Yes.

Do you plan on getting drunk or high tonight?
I wish!

If you found out your best friend was smoking weed, would you be disappointed?
Well, if by best friend you mean Harry --- I'd be FURIOUS. I mean. I'd LOVE to sit around smoking dope. I can't! So he better not think HE can! I'd KILL HIM. KILL HIM DEAD. OMFG.
Otherwise no. Why would I give a crap?

Where is your biological mother right now?
I don't know.

Is there anyone that you were good friends that you no longer get along with?
I don't think we were ever good friends. I was just stupid.

Is it ever too late to apologize?
Yes. But if you were wrong you do it anyway.

Someone tells you that you're beautiful; you say?
I usually laugh.

Do you ignore people when you're angry or upset with them?
Not unless it's to the point of being truly hurt.

What would you rather be doing right now?
Smoking weed? J/K!!!
It's OK to be doing what I am. I'm tired, long day, I'm glad to be chilling.

Have you ever been out of the country?
Yes.

Have you ever had the cops called on you?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes! OMFG SO MANY TIMES!

Who was the last person you texted?
Lars.

When is your birthday?
July 3rd.

When did you last listen to music?
When I was walking on treadmill. Slowly does it!

When did you last cry?
This afternoon when I was trying to nap. Adhra was so cute. She rubbed my tummy.

Where is your favorite place to be?
I like to be where Harry and my children are. I like to be where Harry needs to be.

Are you happy with your life right now?
Sure. I think I could be better but I'm a very lucky person and I know it.

Adhra doesn’t like fireworks.

No, that isn’t true. It isn’t dislike, dislike is a mild sort of emotion, controlled and contained. The way Adhra feels about fireworks is explosive like the enemy itself. She hates them with a passion in which she feels rage and terror all at once – it’s an all consuming passion that fills her tiny body with a memory no longer mental, now only physical, and she will run from the noise screaming as she goes. But she can’t run from the noise – perhaps that’s what she hates most about it – it’s everywhere and there is no where safe to go.

Her mother remembers why Adhra hates them and it makes her mother hate them, too. It makes her mother hate a lot of things, a lot of people, and her hatred, like Adhra’s, is a passion filled with rage and terror all at once.

They both dream about the fireworks sometimes. In her mothers dreams the fireworks end with a doll-like Adhra, eyes open and not moving, staring back at her. In Adhra’s dreams the faster she runs the louder they get and when she calls out no one comes.

But Adhra doesn’t remember her dreams. Not for long. She only remembers the feeling, the rage and the terror, and it’s a lot of feeling for a small body to handle. More feeling than a small body really can. But it passes with time, it drifts away when the sound stops and her mother picks her up. She hasn’t learned how to hold on to it yet.

Her mother remembers. She holds on as well. Her mother learned that a long time ago and it’s a hard habit to unlearn. She holds on long past the time that Adhra’s tears have stopped and the shaking has ceased. She holds on to all that anger and rage and even the terror. She remembers enough for both of them.

The toys that Kara finds particularly irritating don’t last long. Their days are numbered from the moment Kara opens the box and sees that batteries are required, lights will flash and sound will be made. Their days are numbered and Kara vows that if the moron who just handed her the box ever has a child then that child is getting an entire electronic rockstar kit complete with self-playing tracks and amplifier. And a remote controlled demolition derby car just to ensure their floorboards get as fucked on as their sanity.

She’s making that list and she’ll be checking it twice. She won’t be forgetting.


The growing list of toy casualties in their household is awe inspiring to behold.

Ducks in a pond snapped just where the batteries fit in making sure while the ducks were still in the pond they would never laugh or swim again. They would certainly never sing again. Ever.

Cheerleader Doll accidentally got left in the restroom at a coffee bean café. The batteries were screwed in tight and she could not listen to it chant the whole drive home.


Then there was the corn popper toy that Kara’s car backed over.

“Who left that on the driveway?” She says.
“Not me.” Says Evan.
“NOT ME!” Echoes Adhra.
“Well SOMEONE did.” Kara sounds so indignant, so self-righteous. “I tell everyone not to leave their toys around – this is what happens! They get run over by cars! This is why I tell people not to…”
“Not me!”
“NOT ME!!!”
“WELL SOMEONE DID. THE TOY DEMONS DIDN’T DO IT! You both should listen to me – I swear, no one in this house listens to me – I don’t talk just ‘cause I like the sound of my own --- ”
Coco starts to cry.
“Look,” Kara tells everyone. “Cookie is very upset because you don’t listen to me. Very, very upset.”

She’s almost forgotten she’s the one who left the toy on the driveway.


Soon after this Rescue Firetruck somehow fell in the pool. Actually, there was a succession of toys that fell in the pool until Evan seemed to become suspicious.

“Kara,” He said – rescue firetruck pushing him over the edge. “Why would that even be NEAR the pool?”

His eyes seemed to burn right through her. Kara had no idea how serial killers dealt with this sort of pressure. The lies about the toy massacre were hard enough to keep straight.

And his eyes seemed to burn right through her. Like he knew the very depths of her black toy murdering soul.

“I hope it hasn’t fucked up the filter.” She replied. “I’ll be super angry if it has. How many times have I said only pool toys go in the pool?”

Evan narrowed his eyes.

Wow, Kara thought. He really looked like his father.

For a while after that the toys would just disappear – no explanation but no corpses to be tied back to a culprit either.


Adhra forgets the toys within a few days of their unfortunate end. Kara remembers and feels a little guilty and yet when Chicken Dance Elmo appears he disappears as quickly as he came.

He’s just no match for the toy mafia.

That's one for the shame file, Alan Shore. Colonial Elephants and an attempt to blind poor little Adhra - who loves her Uncles Alan and Denny so very much. "Where's Uncie Alan and Uncie Denny", She says. "I love them SO. WHY would they try to BLIND me?"

"Why indeed?" Said I. "I can no more understand that than the fact they'd celebrate the oppression of indigenous peoples by colonial oppressors. This is as inexplicable to ME as the celebration of the misogyny of the mermaid! Perhaps they are COMPLETELY FREAKING INSANE."

"They must be." Said Adhra. "HOW COULD THEY HURT ME WHEN I LOVE THEM SO MUCH? ARE THEY THAT DEGENERATE?"

I'd like to leave you with WISE WORDS from the American Academy of Ophthalmology - “The holidays should be a time of happiness and family festivities. A serious eye injury can ruin your celebration and, more seriously, leave your child with permanent vision loss.

Shame, shame, shame!

SHAME.

I consider your behaviour BARBARous.

There is an elephant in my front hall.

Coco Emily (it's a girl - or so the balloons tell me) born 29th October, 2009 - 10:29pm. 5lbs 8oz, 18.5 inches. Mother and baby doing well (did I just steal Harry's line?).

Happy November to everyone and good luck to everyone doing Nano. I started to give it a go and wrote maybe 250 words or something and went... yeah, no. Maybe next year.

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Your dating personality profile: Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Funny - You laugh often. People never accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. You don't take yourself too seriously.

Your date match profile: Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need. Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart. Traditional - You need someone who is a bit old-fashioned. A person with traditional values and beliefs will perfectly compliment your lifestyle.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Athletic 2. Liberal 3. Funny 4. Big-Hearted 5. Wealthy/Ambitious 6. Traditional 7. Religious 8. Sensual 9. Practical 10. Stylish

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Conservative 2. Funny 3. Traditional 4. Religious 5. Big-Hearted 6. Outgoing 7. Athletic 8. Wealthy/Ambitious 9. Adventurous 10. Practical

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

People aren’t things. They should never ever be mistaken for things. So I can’t and won’t list a list of people here. I’ve outlived so many people (and outgrown others) but either way they’re not a thing. They don’t belong to this answer.

I was thinking, then, I could talk about fashions I’ve outlived. I could say something trite (which hopefully someone would mistake for wit) about outliving short skirts and tight tops or make up plastered on with a trowel or eyeliner that’s thick and dark or… But you don’t outlive fashion. It has remarkable staying power – just went you think it’s dead it comes back for an encore and you find it’s outlived you. Those short skirts still rock on while you’re wearing jeans with an elastic waist. Fashion never dies. Some we wish would – but they always come back and haunt a new generation. It’s called retro.

Friendships die. But I’m not going to list dead friendships – I’m not making a shopping list of friendships that have died. It’s not just morbid, it’s just… wrong. I’m old enough to see some point in mourning them privately. And that’s the thing – you do mourn them. You cry for them and you yearn for them and you can’t have them back. They’re dead. You’ve outlived the friendship. Not out grown it – out lived it. I think for me that is the difference. The things you’ve out grown you feel nostalgic for but the things you out live you actually mourn.

I also think it’s so patronising when people say they’ve outgrown a friendship. As if they became too good for it. Friendships die, this is true, like plants they totally wilt and wither if you treat them with neglect or abuse for long enough – or they can be killed, murdered, if you act with enough brutality, but this isn’t about one person having become too good for it, too wise and too mature. This is a lie people use to explain their own neglect and/or brutality. You can kill a friendship but I do not believe you can out grow it. To say you can is just… well.

It’s one of those things people say to white wash.

Out growing and out living is different. I think you have to honour that difference just like the fact you need to honour the difference between people and things. I miss my short skirts but I’m not shallow enough to mourn them. I mourn my friendships everyday. But I’m… well. I’m a fucking idiot.

Oh, dear, God. I’m 36 weeks and all hormonal as holy fuck. Seriously. Just fuck. This is real now, there’s going to be a baby – that’s just insane. The whole thing is insane. There’s a yellow room and a white bunny that plays ‘You are my sunshine’. There’s bottles and sterilisers and tiny diapers and wipes and tiny clothes and… and… and… It really is so overwhelming and insane. I’m not ready but maybe no one ever is? Then again I’m so sick of being knocked up that I’m just about ready to get this show on the road. Maybe God makes us that way – He makes it all so uncomfortable at the end that the discomfort outweighs the absolute fucking terror about the fact your body is about to be ripped open to bring into the earth this completely dependant little beastie. And trust me the discomfort now completely outweighs those fears.

Have I outlived or outgrown my fantasies about this pregnancy? That is the question.

Outgrown. As proven by my stylish muumuu. (No really – it’s couture – fashion never dies, remember).

What should I read?

I think you should read this article... it is
the saddest thing I've read in ages - and I read a lot of things. It's long, like five pages, but it's worth fifty meme results (and a hundred copies of Twilight) so when you look at it that way if you read it then you'll still be ahead.

You could read about how the colour red means you're passionate and fun loving but still looking for people to truly understand you... or how Werewolves are hot water bottles in cheap smut plotlines (which is so not even accurate)...

Or you could read this. It totally made me cry, I felt so bad for her and so angry and I just don't really get it. I don't understand how it could happen, even? I don't even know what you do about it. And it doesn't seem talked about that this happens which makes it even more important for people to read the article and know that it's not just bad people exploiting kids but the system itself is doing it, too. Like you watch those hallmark movies and kids have tough lives like that and then they get rescued. But IRL they DON'T GET RESCUED. They just get used more and more and they either survive or they don't.

I think I'm going to watch MacGyver DVDs. I'm very into MacGyver lately. It's very comforting.

Life speeds up and you don't have any time, I guess. That's what happened to me, anyway. But I can't sleep these days (lately). The baby keeps me up. It's uncomfortable - no one mentions that - I lay on one side I start to hurt. It's effort to move my bulky load to the other side, it's no longer just rolling over - it takes effort. My back is hurting, my body is all a different shape - I have to get up to pee twice on a good night (I think six times was my worst). I'm just like - Oh, fuck the miracle of life, did they have to make it this fucking annoying??? Life moves slowly at night but the rest of it is whoosing past. There will be another baby before we know it, another year ---

I really need a good nights sleep. Freaking back ache and bladder ache and blah blah! Freaking.

Pick one song and ONLY one to describe yourself. Post it. After that, others can comment and tell you what they think your song should be.



First the mic then a half cigarette
Singing cathy's clown
That's the man that she's married to now
That's the girl that he takes around town
She appears composed, so she is, i suppose
Who can really tell?
She shows no emotion at all
Stares into space like a dead china doll
I'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow
Now she's done and they're calling someone
Such a familiar name
I'm so glad that my memories remote
'cos i'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note
Here it is the revenge to the tune
"you're no good,
You're no good you're no good you're no good"
Can't you tell that it's well understood
I'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on
I'm tired
I'm tired
Looking out on the substitute scene
Still going strong
Xo, mom
It's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong
Tell mr. man with impossible plans to just leave me alone
In the place where i make no mistakes
In the place where i have what it takes
I'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow

Once upon a time, a very long time ago (at least in Slayer!years which tick by faster than most) I used to be this person who could go up to absolutely anyone and talk about absolutely anything. OK… granted it was often something totally freaking inappropriate but I had that confidence where even if I wasn’t, as they say, getting away with it, I so just didn’t care.

I’m just not that person anymore. She’s gone – and I thought maybe she was just dormant but now I think she’s dead. I think I killed her.

When you die your soul leaves your body, right? It leaves your body and it’s supposed to go somewhere else. To heaven or to hell or whatever you want to call it. But I don’t know that the soul leaves the body in one swift moment. I think from the moment you’re born till that moment you die that parts of your soul start to leave you. What I don’t get is where those bits go? Where is that person who would just walk up to anyone and talk about anything? Where is that person who would be anyones friend? Where is that person who used to think all the time… “One day I’ll…”?

I just don’t understand where she’s gone.

And this is just ridiculously emo and it wasn’t meant to be. I meant to say that I started this short course about building social confidence or whatever but when I went to say it I realised that people who knew me five years ago would probably never have thought I’d be taking a freaking course about social confidence. I need it though – I need those skills that other person had – or something like those skills. Without the socially inappropriateness. ;-)

I need to be able to converse with people about everything and nothing. To meet them and look them in the eye. To smile and seem interested, to ask the right questions, to say the right things. I need to be able to go out the door and function like a normal person. Pass for a normal person --- Passing is another topic though.

So, I started this short course on building self-confidence – it’s stupid, really. Just a stupid thing to do, but someone said it was a good idea and lacking in good ideas myself I decided I might as well try it out, right?

One of the things you’re supposed to do is start up three random conversations with a stranger per day. They suggest topics to talk about that supposedly wont trigger any undesirable reactions or whatever? And of course one of them is the weather (or climate)…

Yeah, I know. I know, I know, I know. OK? I know.

So, it was Adhra’s birthday yesterday (another reason I haven’t been around much) – she’s two years old now which is crazy… she’s two, I’m twenty… it’s so weird. All this decade if you add the digits of my age together you’ll get Adhra’s age which is kinda cool inside my brain (this sort of observation doesn’t make good small talk… I found that out the hard way at her party… people just stare and say “um”). Adhra is great at small talk, btw. Seriously a superstar. Mostly her small talk makes NO sense but it’s very entertaining. I say to her a lot “Adhra that is RIDICULOUS!” Or “Adhra! Don’t be RIDICULOUS!!!” And so now she says EVERYTHING is RIDICULOUS!!! She can’t really say ridiculous so that makes it even cuter. She also completely misuses the word… she’ll just go up to people and say “You ridic-las!” or “That’s ridic-las!”… and I said to her if she liked her cake and she said “Ridic-las!” She makes no sense. It’s really funny.

Anyway, so we had people over for her party (which was kinda sad because her little friend Davy wasn’t there and I think she’s mostly forgotten him now but then sometimes I’m not sure – I swear sometimes when I stop to think about it life seems so sad I don’t know I can bare it – mostly I try not to think about it) and some of them were kinda family friends that I didn’t know very well so I was trying out the whole small talk thing.

People really do talk about the weather. Who would have figured?

They also like to talk about themselves. But we all knew that.